new year. new month. new day. new me.

after a break from writing my thoughts online, i feel like i'm ready to start up again. 2005 was a really hard year with many blessings and many roadblocks. when one door shut, it took a minute, but i was able to find another door to open. one customer said: "i think a lot of people are ready to see 2005 go." looking back, i agree.

IA pointed out that the last half of 2005 found me connected with abusive people who chipped away at me in no way other people have. but i survived. i was also dependent on them, but am not anymore. who knows what lesson i was supposed to learn, but i see it as a way to see that i do have the strength to survive. being in an abusive romantic relationship is one of my greatest fears of love. i am still incredibly scared but maybe i'll let my wall down a little bit ... maybe ...

it's nice to be told that i'm attractive, but if i don't feel attractive it doesn't do much good. i look in the mirror and my eyes go to my fat. perhaps i have an eating disorder - maybe i don't - but i do know that i am bigger than i should be. now that i am moved into my own place, i can hit the gym regularly now. i know the weight will come off, i just have to get off my ass. my weight is part of the wall i've put up as a wall to block romantic relationships. it's time for that wall to come down ...

this feels good. i'm glad i started writing again. till next time.